The Love of My Life

Not too long ago I went to a class reunion and saw the love of my life. At least I thought he was when I was in 9^th grade. That was eons ago—but first love memories reside deep in the soft tissues of the young, often forming a backdrop against which all else plays out. First love isn’t easy to forget.  Maybe you had a similar experience, or maybe your first love is still your love. Regardless, we each have a unique path to walk. Comparing the scenery only makes for a rocky trail. Even so, we can encourage one another by sharing, not comparing, our stories.

I remember the heat of it like yesterday...

Intense fire of love, burning in my heart;

Eternal devotion, ever hard to part.

You’re my one and only, there will never be another;

I don’t care a whit that it doesn’t please my mother!

Ninth grade was a year of bliss with my boyfriend, but when school ended I made the fateful decision to spend the summer with my cousin. I was too young to know what I really wanted. Being far away and not seeing him, the intensity of the fire and devotion subsided enough for me to have second thoughts about the relationship and I wrote a “Dear John” letter.

When I went back home to start the school year, I realized my mistake and begged forgiveness. Tears and regrets had no effect. Either the wound was beyond healing, or his devotion wasn’t as real as I’d thought it was. I never found out because the curtain came down hard in unrelenting, unforgiving silence. The rest of my high school years took an emotional downturn that set the stage for a life of “looking for love in all the wrong places”.

Fast forward forty years or so—how do I feel now? The truth is, I’m so very thankful that God didn’t give me what I thought I wanted. Looking back on a life of ups and downs, bad decisions, and resulting consequences, I see that they were tools God used to mold me, like clay on a potter’s wheel.  What I wanted wasn’t at all what I needed. Stubbornness, rebelliousness, foolishness, ignorance: these things ruled my life, not because I was young, but because I was lost. It took some major re-shaping to get me to see I needed someone to save me, mainly from myself. I remember the moment of realization that led to another process of maturity that continues to this day. There is always more to learn.

A soul-mate with a “heart of gold” who would love and understand me to the depths was my heart’s desire, but my concept of love was shallow and self-serving. It was the romantic ideal of youth, twisted by media and a culture that glorifies the wrong things.

It took a long time, but I finally developed a relationship with someone who has a genuine, unfailing “heart of gold”. His name is Jesus. He’s the First Thing—the primary, foundational relationship that humans need to align with all that’s true and right, and it’s better than I could have imagined. The more we hang out the more I know he knows me to the core. Through his unconditional love and acceptance, I become my true self, the more unshakeable peace I have, and the more my heart becomes gold, like his. I see that all prior relationships were incomplete because the primary one was missing.

This is my story—the hindrances to finding our hearts’ true desire may be different, but what we have in common is that there’s someone who loves us like no other, who’s relentless in his pursuit, who never gives up, who knows what we really need, and is just waiting for us to come to that moment of realization that will change everything forever. I end with a song of my youth that expresses the search, similar to mine, for the love of my life with a heart of gold. 

Heart of Gold-Neil Young